The threat of getting dropped by my label was a threat more often used by me to my friends and family than a reality I had considered. The “correct” time to drop me had come and gone long before I was actually dropped. In many ways, I saw getting dropped coming- but it happening the day after my next single was supposed to come out was impressive.
While writing this I felt the need to explain myself in grave detail. I sat down and pitied myself in long paragraphs about how nothing was my fault and everything fucking sucks and I have the worst luck ever. While it’s true that I genuinely don’t think I was in much control for any part of my career at a major label, I don’t actually think I’m to blame. It doesn’t matter anymore. For the sake of giving people information that is important so we can all move on and I can write about silly outfits and how genreless music is a genre now, here’s the summarized overview:
I made my second project, I couldn’t put it out for PR issues related to the producer (and my own ethics) so I wrote a new project because I needed a new project. Almost a year after my new project (my third one technically) was completed and the day after the first single was supposed to be released I was dropped.
This entire series of events was basically constant heartbreak, I had only ever been a student and a professional musician, and I didn’t know or want to know anything else. While I’m sure there were TONS of lessons to be learned from the entire experience I don’t think I was prepared or willing to learn any of them.
Looking back now the biggest lesson I took from the last few years is: I thought I was too good to need to be educated. I’m smart, I know I am, but I didn’t take the time to figure my shit out, to learn everything there is to know about exactly what was to come. Or what would happen to me if something didn’t go how I wanted it to. People told me things and I believe them outright. I didn’t feel like I was afforded skepticism and negativity because I didn’t really think I deserved the opportunities I was being given in the first place. So I played the yes game- or I just was stupid. I had some sort of unwavering belief in myself that outshone any fear of failure. In some ways I’m proud of that, I’m proud that I knew my music was good enough (because I think it was). But I can’t be more ashamed that I forgot people are people, and some people are fucking awful and only focused on keeping themselves afloat.
There isn’t some joyous ending to this, I’m still trying to get out of my deal and put music out. I still believe in myself (thankfully lol), but this magic world of music and fame can’t be the only thing supporting me, nothing is real until it is real - before that it’s all just a really beautiful and hopefully one-day attainable fantasy.
Thank you for reading Yard Work, this was a massive bulk of emotional weeding I knew I was going to have to do eventually. This clears the air for me and gives me space to leave it where it was. I wanna be able to talk about music and fashion and my new job (!!) without feeling like I owe people an explanation. I’m not moving on from music, and I don’t think I ever can, but I need to focus on surviving AND thriving. Music will be there for me forever and I’m working on things I’m extremely proud of- and can’t wait to put into the world.
Love you friend!
Thank you for sharing!! I’ve really loved your music and noticed your absence from it/was curious about what was happening behind the scenes. You don’t owe anyone an explanation but I’m grateful you shared! Also because, as a visual artist dealing with the art world BS, it’s always heartening to hear people at every level be honest about how the system sucks for everyone, and dreams not coming together isn’t because of a lack of talent or discipline. Thank you again and I look forward to reading/hearing whatever you publish next ♥️